NARF
by radioactiveferretleader
Summary: ok sorry 'bout all the screwed up attempts at tis story but hopefully my computer won't mecilessly kill this one, so please read, it the true story behind what happened when dani and i went to hogwarts


N.A.R.F. All righty then this is the TRUE story of the events that took place between Dani and I at Hogwarts unfortunately Dani was a bit off when she told you the story originally -ok you and I both know she was high but that's gonna be one of those things that we don't talk about; kinda how you don't talk about that fact that your cousin Fred's name has now been changed to Madam Sugar Plum (along with various other parts of dear old Fred's body). So anyway this is what really happened . I speak only the truth but take it as you will and don't be mean to Dani just because she has drug problems, and don't be mean to ferrets just because your jealous their cuter than you'll ever be.  
  
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Location: South Carolina 4:30 PM EST It all started one night when I was over at Dani's house and she randomly piped up with the idea that we go to Hogwarts. Well, it sounded like a cool idea especially since I'm always up for something new and exciting. I however did not voice my true opinion at this time, agreeing to readily to Dani is often dangerous, and can sometimes give her a big head about the idea she's got and she will act impulsively which is life threatening. SO I said simply that it was a dumb idea hoping she would drop it till I had proper time to think about it and bring the idea back up at which point we could act on it a bit more intelligently. So the next day I was talking on my pink flamingo cell phone to my boyfriend or anyone who would listen while I was life guarding (ok so I wasn't doing a great job life guarding at the moment; but, that's beside the point.) when some scary looking clouds formed over head so I ran for shelter under the pavilion near the woods at the pool. It had no sooner started pouring down rain when some random squirrel jumped up on to the table I was sitting at. I sat there for a moment surveying the squirrel the squirrel surveying me; and in no time at all I was on my feet freaking out running away from the killer squirrel. Unfortunately there's only so far one can go and hope to stay dry when it's raining and you're under a pavilion. "AHHHAH AHHAH !!! AHH AHAH!!!" I screamed and finally paused realizing the freak killer squirrel hadn't moved at all it was simply sitting there looking at me as though I had lost my mind. "Thanks for deafening me." The squirrel retorted in an annoyed tone. "You, you can talk!" I studdered totally taken a back "Wow, I was told you were a bit slow, not a complete moron." Said the squirrel scowling, he continued "I've come to tell you that Dani has left for Hogwarts with out you." He said simply "And why did the squirrel community feel it their duty to inform me of Dani's whereabouts?" I said still coping with the fact that I was having a conversation with a squirrel. "Because." said the squirrel adding a bored sigh, "Dani has been appointed head nymph of woodland rodents." "Dani's a nymph?" I said not really comprehending what a nymph was. "No," said the squirrel speaking as though I should've known this already, "she just spends a lot of time trying to communicate with us; most of the time we have no clue what the hell she's trying to say, or rather squeak; but, it's a much more valiant effort than has been previously attempted by any human to communicate with us." "Oh" I said simply not quite sure weather I fully understood what had just been said to me by a squirrel no less. "So how dose this involve me?" I said a little peeved that Dani had left for England with out me. "Because," he said very mellow dramatically "YOU HAVE TO GO GET HER!!" he boomed, (well, as much as a squirrel can boom) "We need her!" he continued "She is the only one who can save us from the other humans!" "Umm, ok." I said somewhat taken a back that I was being lectured by a squirrel "She's the only one who can truly understand our pain and suffering!!" "Oh yea cause it's so hard colleting nuts all day." I said unable to control my sarcastic side any longer. The next thing I knew an acorn the size of a golf ball had been beamed at my head. "OOWW!! You little bast-." I paused now noticing that there were now five squirrels sitting throwing menacing looks my way. "Now, listen to me very carefully; I'll speak slowly so that you can understand, you will go and find Dani and you will not come back until you can bring her back with you. Do I make my self clear?" the squirrel said sternly "crystal." I said with a hint of sarcasm unable to resist the urge. "Very good," he said seven more squirrels appearing behind him "because, you or your family will not be safe from us until you have brought her back safely." "What are you going to do throw nuts at us?" I said inserting my signature sarcastic tone. "Well," he began, "who ever said squirrels were vegetarians?" obviously not wanting a response from me which was good because at the moment I had lost the ability to speak "you have 24 hours to leave and get to Hogwarts, or the attack begins, we want updates as to how progress goes getting her back. We will be periodically ringing your cell phone to keep in contact with you. Now go." He said I walked to me car dumb founded, feeling as though I were in a twisted Godfather movie or maybe an episode of The Sopranos; but then again it's not every day that you threatened by angry squirrels so I was somewhat inclined to listen. I got into my car (lime green VW new beetle) and drove home to get a few things to pack. I noticed a few squirrels bounding a long behind my car, which I normally may have thought cute, but now I threw my car in reverse and added to the road kill problem in my neighborhood. Luckily my parents weren't home so I left a simple note:  
I've gone to Hogwarts I'll be back soon. Don't try to contact  
me. I'll be safe; I had to help a friend. The car's at the  
airport. I took Frodo & Bilbo with me. If Jonathan calls tell  
him I love him. Send me food. Avoid squirrels at all costs.  
You're loving Daughter,  
Sarah  
And with that I left. I knew it would be hard for them to comprehend; but the squirrels didn't leave me much of a choice. I went over to Dani's house and checked just to make sure she wasn't sitting there laughing her ass off at me; which of course she wasn't. I talked briefly with her mother who seemed deeply worried about her daughter's sanity and saw me as the heroine who might knock some sense into her; that is until I told her I was going to go find her at Hogwarts. At which point she hollered 'Daniel!!' At the top of her lungs, he seemed all but indifferent to the whole thing. I left her mother open mouthed and her father dancing to the weather channel music.  
I was on my to the airport my two ferrets wrestling in the back seat when my P.O.S. car broke down in the middle of the road. I will not write the string of words that ensued, all I will say is that Frodo and Bilbo clearly fearing for their lives dove into my book bag and cowered in fear. I left the car not having a moment to loose because I knew the squirrels were surely watching me I scooped up my bag and started to walk to the airport holding my thumb out hopping to catch a ride. when a dirty Mac truck pulled up beside me the passenger door swung open to reveal greasy, disgusting skinny trucker licking his toothless lips at me.  
"Airport?" I inquired hoping he'd say no so I could get a ride with ANYONE else.  
"I'll take yer to that there arepoert gate ye ken evun bring them critters in yer pack too."  
"Their ferrets actually," I said as my ferrets squeaked indignantly at him.  
"Watevare, so yous comin er an't cha?" I got into the rig with out saying a word. He drove a while and stopped in front of the gate to the airport.  
"Thank you very much I said how much do I owe you?" I asked as politely as I could muster.  
"I don wan chr money." He was licking his toothless lips at me again. I made a fearful guttural utterance. He lunged bestially toward me. My loyal ferrets jumped onto his head and attacked him savagely. {Grrrr} There was a commotion of sounds in which time I leapt out of the truck. I whistled for my ferrets to return to me and they hoped back into my bag. {Lots of hoping and such in this part}I slammed the door and ran into the airport congratulating my ferrets. I ran to the ticket booth and cut plenty of people in line.  
"When's the next flight for London leaving?" I asked exasperated  
"in ten minutes" replied the stewardess giving me the once over I was still in my life guarding swim suit in only a towel and flip-flops with sweat on my brow and I probably looked like I'd just put my finger in an electrical socket be cause the hotter I get and frizzier and more curly my hair gets and my two ferrets were innocently looking around surveying the crowd who was gawking at me. "But I'm afraid the tickets are all sold out." She added curtly.  
"WHAT !?" I said not even attempting to hide my fury. The stewardess stepped backwards a little even though a four foot high counter separated us and I was clearly in no state to jump over it. My ferrets defensively glared at her. {Cause ferrets can now glare at random people.}  
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM!?" I boomed at the horror stricken stewardess "I AM THE FOUNDER AND PRESIDENT OF N.A.R.F.!"  
"Narf?" she repeated quietly  
"NO! N.A.R.F. NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of RADIOACTIVE FERRETS!! I boomed as though she should've known. My ferrets were now nodding their head every time I said the word 'ferret'.  
"I'll see what I can do." she said finally as I tried desperately to not think of the painful deaths by squirrel my family maybe enduring at this moment.  
  
Location: in plane over big ocean thingy, my care bears watch stopped working when we went over the Bermuda triangle but you get the general idea. Ok this is not as glamorous as I had hopped. I'm in the baggage compartment under the part where regular people sit in. and it's cold and LOUD and we don't even get free peanuts down here! Those bastards! *inhales deeply* (I'm finding my center) ok I'm fine now just had to get the pent up aggression out.  
  
Location: London, England airport, yea my poor care bears watch is still broken. I was awakened when I was thrown like a mere bag out of the airplane. Someone started shouting and pointing at me. I really have no I idea what they were saying because they were speaking British and clearly I'm American and therefore do not speak Britanisee. However, I did gather that I wasn't supposed to be there so I picked up my bag which had just been hurled though the air next to me. (Don't worry Bilbo and Frodo were fine, a little annoyed but fine none the less) I put the bag on my back and started running as fast as I could and every little thing makes a difference when your running to save you own skin so the 15 extra pounds of ferret had to go I opened my bag and grabbed them and tossed them in front of me and shouted "Run little ferrets run! Be free like the wind!" (At the time it seemed perfectly logical to shout this but in hind sight I realize what a freak I am) they landed on their feet and scampered off toward the free way I followed closely behind them. I stuck out my thumb hopping that this was the international sign for hitch hiking. Almost immediately an old VW van pulled up next to me.  
"Get in" said a hairy hippie looking guy. I jumped right in followed  
by my ferret and was blasted by the sounds of Jerry Garcia. "Wow, cool ferrets man." said a slightly less hairy hippie looking guy.  
"Thanks" I said grateful no one was licking their lips at me.  
"Yea man, ferrets totally rock" said a woman with a flower wreath on  
her head.  
  
And so ensued my magical trip to Hogwarts which is another story  
entirely. Which I will someday write, but today is not that day, all I will say is that these kinds of magic make Hogwarts look like child's play.  
  
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I'm going to end my story here for now. Mainly because I'm too lazy to go on, and it's late and I need my beauty sleep. For all you dorks who just randomly decided to read my story with out reading Dani's first (her pen name is tigrechica) I want you to put one hand on each ear lobe and pull, keep pulling, ok pull till you hear a popping sound now check your hands to make sure you haven't ripped off your ear lobes, if you have you have just proven yourself a total moron and you should call the hospital immediately. If you are not; however, now looking down at part of your ears; the popping sound was the sound of you pulling your head out of your ass, good job pat yourself on the back, you should feel better now, so go back and redeem yourself and read Dani's story NOW so the ramble you just read will make a bit more sense. (I don't however guarantee all my madness is explained) Anyway, I didn't say so directly in the story because I was banking on the fact that you, the esteemed reader, is not an idiot and that I didn't have to tell you that Bilbo and Frodo are the names of my two pet ferrets. If you figured this out on you own give yourself a cookie. I also assumed that I did not need to explain that the boyfriend mentioned earlier who I was talking on my pink flamingo cell phone with is name is Jonathan whom I refer to in the letter. If you figured this and the ferrets out on your own give yourself two cookies. For those of you who wondered what P.O.S. meant slap yourselves for you stupidity. It means Piece Of Shit. I also feel bound to tell you that the creepy trucker was given the voice to help drive home the point that he can't speak that well. If you had trouble understanding why my spelling skills had suddenly deteriorated, stop reading this right now and go rock yourself to sleep in a dark secluded corner. For anyone who saw my story divider and said 'what cute cats' or 'what the hell?' they are the closest thing I could get to ferrets so for all intents and purposes they are ferrets. Damn it. You may have been smart enough to notice my mention of Jerry Garcia, good job; he is the leader in the band the Grateful Dead, you may have made the connection on your own, if you did you've redeemed your self in my eyes slightly. Now I would really appreciate any reviews you have to offer. That said please don't reveal your self as a moron, or threaten my life or I will swiftly send down a world of pain on to you via my ferrets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following mind numbing legal information is only intended for law students, insomniacs, people with to much time on their hands, proofreaders, the undead, and anyone being forced to read this out of a method of torture. That being said, if you are still reading this and do not fall into any of the previously mentioned groups you are in desperate need of psychiatric help.  
If you have an Uncle Fred the bit at the beginning was not intended to shake you family tree it was a joke and you should take it as such. The mention of the Godfather, and The Sopranos was used to prove a point, not to offend anyone and quite obviously I don't own any part of them or I would be very wealthy, and not be writing this. I am the sole owner of N.A.R.F. and all things in the configuration of N.A.R.F. and you may not use in any way shape or form anything having to do with N.A.R.F. so don't ask and don't do it and you with save your self from agony. Don't test me or I will summon my angry heard of crazed elephants and swarm of flying monkeys who will in turn make you dance the electric slide while blowing bubbles and eating gram crackers. So the point is do not do it. I referred to a Care bears watch that I have, I do not own any thing having to do with the Care Bears or I would be wearing a lot more Care Bears stuff, but the watch is real I that is mine. I mentioned Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead simply because that's the only way I can think of to pay homage to the guy, and goes with out saying I did not come up with and thing having to do with Grateful Dead since most every thing having to do with Grateful Dead was around long before I was born. All things Harry Potter are J.K. Rowlings's because I'm not bright enough to come up with that. The 'grrr' from the part where my ferrets attack the truck driver was kindly added by Dani as I read the story in it's rough stages to her. It was also her idea for the whole 'go to Hogwarts' thing, I just ran with my end of the idea. Obviously, all the threats made to readers are idle considering I do not, and will never know you, nor quite honestly do I care to. I am not responsible for any self inflicted bodily harm done to the reader, there are also no subliminal messages telling you to do stuff, don't worry I checked. If you are stupid enough to try to talk to squirrel and end up getting bitten, or really rip your ears off, or any other harm that you crazy kids want to blame on me, don't because it'd be a waist of everyone's time. There were no animals harmed in the making of this story. Clearly, my ferrets do not have super hero powers; therefore I would never throw them. Most of the events in this story do have some basis in reality, except for the whole trip to England to which I have never been, nor do I wish I go, too cold. However I think you can use you common sense the rest of the way to figure out what's real and what's not.  
So if your still reading this by now you obviously have time on your hands so you can at least have the common decency to write me a half way compelling review. So please do so. Right now. By the way I don't want to hear about any grammatical errors I may have made, you should respect my artistic vision. If you want to talk to me my e-mail is beachkitten13@yahoo.com or to talk directly to me my SN is blondebubbles138 or grrsgirl  
Thank you, Sarah Goose  
^..^ N.A.R.F. FOREVER!! 


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